Staff Perspective: Never An Even Split
When you’ve decided to officially share a life with someone, maybe through marriage, civil union, common law, or any other way, you may go into it with the assumption this is 50/50. This is a partnership where together we will put effort into building a life we love. Few of us have an outright conversation about expectations and roles, we just think, “I love this person and they love me and we will figure out our own way”. For a while it probably works well, little issues may arise, but everything is manageable. But after a period of time you may start to think “why am I doing the dishes all the time?” or “when is the last time they made dinner”. Slowly we may start keeping score of the inequities in the union. The give and take may look like who is doing more house work? Who’s career are we more focused on? Who gets to accept a job out of state, and who has to follow? Who’s paying more bills? Who’s taking care of the kids? When children are brought into the relationship there is even more compromise needed. Who is doing drop off? Who picks up? Who makes sure school projects are taken care of? Who’s getting snacks for soccer on Saturday? Military spouses know this world of give and take better than most. As I write this I think of a friend of mine who has a masters degree but never was able to obtain a job where she used it due to her husband’s frequent relocation.
There are times that we are close to 50/50, but it might never feel like an even split. Someone is giving 40, the other 60, the work is divided and everyone is feeling fulfilled. But also, in more difficult circumstances it may be a 90/10 split and someone is carrying the majority of the weight. Isn’t this the “for better or worse”? The “in sickness and in health”? Why didn’t vows include “when my career takes precedence over yours” or “when my tee time overrules your plans”. Are we ever prepared for this shift in responsibility and effort? If not appropriately addressed, this compromise crossroad can lead to discord. Enter Gottman’s famed four horsemen of the apocalypse- criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling (Gottman.com). Ultimately these can bring couples to break up or divorce when not addressed in therapy.
As providers, especially those working with the active duty population, addressing this even split myth can be beneficial in therapy. There is opportunity for great understanding and growth when couples are able to openly discuss expectations and roles. Starting with identifying thoughts can allow for the discussion for change. Working with couples on communication styles and effective interpersonal communication is another way to address this. When someone has reached the point of resentment, they are likely communicating in an aggressive manner. Helping people to understand assertive communication skills may lead to more effective exchanges. Along with couples counseling, working to dispel this myth of the even split relationship is another way providers can help. This can be done professionally, maybe through workshops and therapy.
As educators and professors, this can be discussed in the classroom with future mental health professionals. As people ourselves, we can discuss this relationship myth with people in our own lives. On a personal level this is a conversation I have had with many of my friends, the reality of the scales being unbalanced. Supporting our friends and family, and discussing the fact that relationships are not 50/50 can help normalize our experiences and give perspective. We can help with adjusting expectations in therapy, but as mental health professionals let's also work on dispelling this myth and not allowing it to continue, because we know partnership is never an even split.
The opinions in CDP Staff Perspective blogs are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the opinion of the Uniformed Services University of the Health Science or the Department of Defense.
Kristyn Heins, Ph.D., is a Licensed Professional Counselor serving as a Military Behavioral Health Counselor for the Center for Deployment Psychology (CDP) at the Uniformed Services University of the Health Sciences in Bethesda, Maryland. In this role, she supports the CDP’s efforts of training clinicians in evidenced-based practice focused on suicide prevention.
When you’ve decided to officially share a life with someone, maybe through marriage, civil union, common law, or any other way, you may go into it with the assumption this is 50/50. This is a partnership where together we will put effort into building a life we love. Few of us have an outright conversation about expectations and roles, we just think, “I love this person and they love me and we will figure out our own way”. For a while it probably works well, little issues may arise, but everything is manageable. But after a period of time you may start to think “why am I doing the dishes all the time?” or “when is the last time they made dinner”. Slowly we may start keeping score of the inequities in the union. The give and take may look like who is doing more house work? Who’s career are we more focused on? Who gets to accept a job out of state, and who has to follow? Who’s paying more bills? Who’s taking care of the kids? When children are brought into the relationship there is even more compromise needed. Who is doing drop off? Who picks up? Who makes sure school projects are taken care of? Who’s getting snacks for soccer on Saturday? Military spouses know this world of give and take better than most. As I write this I think of a friend of mine who has a masters degree but never was able to obtain a job where she used it due to her husband’s frequent relocation.
There are times that we are close to 50/50, but it might never feel like an even split. Someone is giving 40, the other 60, the work is divided and everyone is feeling fulfilled. But also, in more difficult circumstances it may be a 90/10 split and someone is carrying the majority of the weight. Isn’t this the “for better or worse”? The “in sickness and in health”? Why didn’t vows include “when my career takes precedence over yours” or “when my tee time overrules your plans”. Are we ever prepared for this shift in responsibility and effort? If not appropriately addressed, this compromise crossroad can lead to discord. Enter Gottman’s famed four horsemen of the apocalypse- criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling (Gottman.com). Ultimately these can bring couples to break up or divorce when not addressed in therapy.
As providers, especially those working with the active duty population, addressing this even split myth can be beneficial in therapy. There is opportunity for great understanding and growth when couples are able to openly discuss expectations and roles. Starting with identifying thoughts can allow for the discussion for change. Working with couples on communication styles and effective interpersonal communication is another way to address this. When someone has reached the point of resentment, they are likely communicating in an aggressive manner. Helping people to understand assertive communication skills may lead to more effective exchanges. Along with couples counseling, working to dispel this myth of the even split relationship is another way providers can help. This can be done professionally, maybe through workshops and therapy.
As educators and professors, this can be discussed in the classroom with future mental health professionals. As people ourselves, we can discuss this relationship myth with people in our own lives. On a personal level this is a conversation I have had with many of my friends, the reality of the scales being unbalanced. Supporting our friends and family, and discussing the fact that relationships are not 50/50 can help normalize our experiences and give perspective. We can help with adjusting expectations in therapy, but as mental health professionals let's also work on dispelling this myth and not allowing it to continue, because we know partnership is never an even split.
The opinions in CDP Staff Perspective blogs are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the opinion of the Uniformed Services University of the Health Science or the Department of Defense.
Kristyn Heins, Ph.D., is a Licensed Professional Counselor serving as a Military Behavioral Health Counselor for the Center for Deployment Psychology (CDP) at the Uniformed Services University of the Health Sciences in Bethesda, Maryland. In this role, she supports the CDP’s efforts of training clinicians in evidenced-based practice focused on suicide prevention.